We spent a good portion of this week following the adventures of Kurt Pickens of Owingsville, Kentucky, on his Alaskan cruise. Oh, that buffet! It was a lovely midday vacay as we set sail with author Jonathan Evison during the #TwitterFiction Festival and the tale of Mr. Pickens. Don’t worry if you missed it. We’ve got the entire four-day story here in lovely tweet-sized bites. Plus you can find Kurt Pickens again in This Is Your Life, Harriet Chance!, Johnny’s new novel coming out September 8.

Monday, May 11

•Cabin is half the size it was in the brochure. Classy décor, though. Lots of smoked glass. Water pressure terrible.

•Lots of hand sanitizer. That’s good. You get GI breakout on this tub, and bingo bango, there goes your cruise.

•This whole cruise was Donna Mae’s idea. I wanted a flatscreen TV. But Donna Mae was set on Alaska.

•If it were up to me, we’d have gone somewhere decent like the Caribbean. You know, Hawaii, or whatever.

•But no, it had to be Alaska. Donna Mae was willful as a damn bloodhound (unfortunately, not as loyal).

•Overheard in elevator: “Filipino crew, I’m told. They speak wonderful English. Not like those Mexicans.”

•Donna Mae hated my cats. Fought like hell for custody of them, though. Hired Jim Riggs, the best attorney in Bath County.

•Meanwhile, she was shacking up with an investment banker in Lexington.

•Reckon she thought she deserved better. Somebody fitter, more adventurous. Someone named Garth in a white convertible.

•Once she lost the weight, it was the only logical conclusion for us. Don’t judge her too hard for trading up.

•I’m a 350 pound guy on a cruise by myself. I’ve got a gambling problem. I drink too much. Look what she’s missing!

•Course, I lost custody of the cats. Two days later, Donna Mae had them put to sleep.

•Overheard in piano bar. Blue drink lady to neck-brace lady: Ted hasn’t had a hard-on since Stone Phillips left Dateline.

•Blue drink: “What Ted doesn’t know about vaginas could fill the Alamodome.”

•These blue drinks aren’t half bad, whatever they are.

•Pretty sure Ted just walked in.

•August 13 would have been our –hic– twentieth –hic– anniversary.

•Look, I’m doing my best I can, here. And no, I’m not hung up on Donna Mae. I’ve moved on.

•You’d think women would hate convertibles.

•What kind of name is Garth, anyway?

Tuesday, May 12

•Some nights you win, some nights the bar wins. Last night, I’m pretty sure the bar won. I can’t remember.

•Warm(ish) shower this a.m. Head pounding. Feeling a little gassy. Off to breakfast buffet.

•Course, Donna Mae could never abide a buffet. Donna Mae liked the finer things. Like abs. And white convertibles.

•Blue hair wants to know if she’s intruding. Heck no, I says. I’m from Bath County, where a buffet likes company.

•Harriet Chance, she says. Widow from someplace  called Sequim. Something about a rainshadow.

•No relation to the Boyd Chance’s of Bath County, thank heavens. Trash mostly. Couple of sex offenders and a deputy sheriff.

•Sausage not agreeing presently. Harriet’s lipstick is crooked. Conversation about Greek yogurt, scattering her husband’s ashes.

•Help!

•Harriet’s got a string of asparagus between her teeth. Or maybe they’re dentures. Should I say something?

•You know what hurts? Well, the cats, that hurts. But what really hurts is that I didn’t see it coming.

•Donna Mae asked me to join the gym with her at first. But by the time I started showing any interest, she was shacking up with Garth.

•Karaoke at the Northern Lights lounge.  Not that I have the guts or desire to sing anything. $2 well drinks, though.

•DJ Raj clad in pointy sandals and fez. Shiny pants of indeterminate material. Billowy shirt with drawstrings.

•Overheard at adjacent table: “Darling, are you sure you don’t have a bladder infection?”

•Inebriated 50ish bottled blonde with suspicious tan takes the mic: “People say I look like Stifler’s mom,” she says.

•Kurt Pickens’ mama didn’t raise no dummy. $2 drinks far from speedy. Ordering two at a time.

•”Islands in the Stream” with Stifler’s mom. Not even sure how that happened!

•Walls closing in. Perfume getting strong. Cleavage everywhere. Stifler’s mom ready for another duet.  Under Pressure.

•No way I’m doing Something Stupid with Stifler’s mom. The duet, I mean.

•Must escape. One more drink. Let’s call it a double.

•Little woozy. Out to the deck for some air. Deserted.  All I can feel is dread. Dread, as cold an implacable as the Yukon night.

Thursday, May 14  

•Headache. Check. Bad stomach. Check. Self-loathing. Check. I’m on a roll. Let’s do this thing!

•Juneau OK. Lots of mountains and people in moose sweatshirts. Two paraplegics. Don’t reckon I could live here, too foggy.

•$8 for a keychain! And it doesn’t even have a bottle opener.

•Ugh. Currently rethinking gondola ride. Also, six egg omelet. Get me off of this thing!

•Okay, you can cross Juneau off my bucket list now.

•Not that I’m feeling lucky, but this evening the casino calls.

•Well, that was quick.

•Lost my nut.  Did not help that the dealer looked like my high school gym teacher. Hated that guy.

•Also didn’t help that they were playing Jethro Tull. I hate flute rock.

•Ah well, sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday. Think I hear the buffet calling.

•Prime rib! All you can eat!

•Aqua aerobics with lifestylist Rocco at the lido pool.  Me, 11 women, and one Sweedish guy in what amounts to a thong.

•Rocco maybe not what you’d expect.. 5 ft. and Asian. What he lacks in stature, he makes up in spirit.

•Who knew treading water could be so fun?

•Six months of this and I could be rockin’ a dad bod. I could turn this ship around. I could forget Donna Mae.

•Sat next to Harriet again on the lido deck. Still talking about that yogurt container.

•I’m not drinking tonight. Period.

•Still not drinking.

•You didn’t think I could do it, did you?

•Okay, drinking now.

•Forget, yes. I don’t have to forgive Donna Mae, you know. She killed my f*#king cats.

•The rest I can forgive her. Believe me, I’m working on it.

•I wasn’t always unambitious, you know. It’s just that I thought I had everything I wanted.

•Not that I’m missing Donna Mae, exactly, but still. Not what I expected my life to be.

Friday, May 15

•Few things bolster the spirit like a decent breakfast buffet.

•Think I’ll have a salad for breakfast.

•Is it still salad when it’s mostly chicken?

•Cruise maybe not the time and place to turn over this particular leaf. Get it? Salad, leaf? Oh, never mind.

•Lunchtime, and I’m starving.

•Angus Sliders with Blue Cheese.  Sweet potato fries. I could get used to this.  I feel a blue drink and a swim coming on!

•Shirtless at the pool, and yeah, I look like a hippo. But screw it. Feels good. Here I am, world. Take me or leave me!

•Arriving at Glacier Bay. Wonder if there’s still time for that blue drink? Gonna find out.

•There was time for the drink, FYI. Two, actually. Guess I oughta head up to the observation deck.

•Overheard in elevator: “Helen Gershow said they were calving when she was here.”

•The main event. I should be excited. This is where I turn a corner. Forget Donna Mae, and start advocating for myself. Right?

•Gotta admit, Glacier Bay pretty impressive. Bleak. Cold. Indifferent. Taking up a lot of space. Like me.

•Huge veins of glacial ice glowing eerily blue run ribbons into the mountains as far as the eye can see (from the brochure).

•When Vicks made those throat lozenges, you know, the “blue ice” ones? They got the color right.

•The scope, the scale, the silence. Everything about this place suggests timelessness, permanence.

•Eons. Ages. Epochs of ice.

•In twenty years it’ll be gone.

•Yep. Y’all blame it on whoever you want. But it’s happening.

•Long elevator ride down. Can’t help but keep thinking about the planet. About all of us.

•On a brighter note: happy hour in the Northern Lights lounge! May as well beat the crowd.

•Not bad, this cruise. As for the Inside Passage: beats the flatscreen I would’ve bought.

•Have I grown? Yeah, about five pounds (they say that’s average, though). Guess I’ve got Donna Mae to thank for this growth.

•Anyway, see y’all around. If you’re ever in Bath County, give me a shout!